Crowborough Caves, East Sussex – Excellent Caving Just Outside London?

How did I come across Crowborough Caves, the ‘subterranean jewel of East Sussex’? Ms B & I like caving. So recently I googled for caves close to London and these caves popped up.

CROWBOROUGH CAVES’ WEBSITE, LOGO, SOCIAL MEDIA

They come with a full-blown website, professional logo, and continuously active social media presence. Until very recently they also had a great ranking on Tripadvisor with plenty of reviews.

NO DOUBT ABOUT THE IMAGINARY NATURE OF CROWBOROUGH CAVES

Already the third or fourth Google match links to a Reddit group that extensively discusses the imaginary character of the caves. The matches that follow split equally between fake sources waxing lyrical about the caves and articles discussing the non-existence of the caves. Wikipedia marked the Crowborough article for deletion. The reasons for deletion make an interesting read in their own right.

CONSPIRELUNKERS VS CROWBOROUGH CAVES

Many reviewers and commentators are very angry. Even some fake sources pretend to be angry at “conspirelunkers.” The latter is a term coined by the Crowborough Caves team. From ‘conspiring’ and ‘spelunkers’. Crowborough Cave’s PR team pretend to be upset that some people deny the existence of their beloved caves. I might be in the minority, but I find it hilarious. To think that a group of at least half a dozen grown-ups (by age, anyway) spend a significant part of their limited time on earth propagating fabricated news about caves that they made up.

PLAUSIBILITIES AND ABSTRUSENESSES

It’s a rather sophisticated web of half-truths and possible plausibilities interspersed with the odd screaming abstruseness and occasional obvious joke such as “make sure to lick the cave walls for your daily supply of niacin.”

PINCHED PICTURES

Unsurprisingly, pictures on the website and on social media are all from other locations, caves, quarries, railway arches, and so on. Equally, the pictures in this blog post have been taken from my previous articles about other caves.

A COMPLETE HISTORY OF CROWBOROUGH CAVES

There is a complete and detailed back story starting as far back as 1,000,000 years ago “+/- 3 years.” It was at that time, that the caves were created by shifts in tectonic plates. We then learn about the Palaeolithic Crowborough Man. This fine specimen inhabited the caves from around 900,000 years ago. His remains have been found there. Naturally, Medieval and Victorian times were busy for the caves. During WWII the caverns were used as an ammunition depot.

After the war the caves partially collapsed and people forgot about them. Out of nowhere, the late William Chipton rediscovered this natural wonder. What followed was a long battle for the reopening of the caves to the public.

SUCCESSFUL CAMPAIGN FOR THE RE-OPENING OF THE CAVES

We are being told about the grand re-opening of the caves to the public in 2012. More recently, several leaks emerged, caused by fracking.

A LONG LIST OF PAST AND FUTURE EVENTS

There are a large number of reports of past events such as primary school class visits, parties, lectures. The long list of future events includes a Crowborough Cave Summer Solstice Party. And of course an Archaeology Dig with the help of the Crowborough Detectorists. The famous Spelunking Sausage, Cider and Spotted Dick Festival. Another highlight being a rock concert featuring The Cretinaceous Silurians, and Strata & the Sedimentaries.

GIFT SHOP AND THE FAMOUS CAVE CAFE

As you’d expect from any self-respecting imaginary cave, Crowborough Caves have a well-stocked gift shop. Among others, it sells smoked cheese in a tube. You can also get yourself some scratch and sniff stickers which capture the unique aroma of the Crouch Chamber. To top it all off, the Cave Café delights guests with “brilliant breakfasts, luscious lunches and delicious dinners.” No complaints.

Ms B, whose nickname at high school was Voucher Chick, fully endorsed the CaveCard. With this ‘Crowborough Caves Loyalty Card’ you can earn triple points for any purchases this January.

THE CROWBOROUGH CAVES TEAM

Unfortunately I was not able to get Crowborough Caves representatives to agree to an interview. However, I did manage to message back and forth with various members of the group on Twitter, not gaining any insights whatsoever along the way.

HUMAN HISTORY OF IMAGINATION OF GEOGRAPHIC FEATURES

Ever since humans evolved from apes, they have made up things. Including geographic landmarks. To sex up an anecdote, impress mates, reduce boredom, or for many other reasons like misleading competitors.

MAP MAKING

Map creators to this day regularly include minor (or, if they are daring or simply don’t give a proverbial: major) imaginary landmarks. This is to deter plagiarism or theft. A little hill that you’ve made up suddenly appears on a competitor’s map? Now you can prove in court that they stole your map. You can claim damages and make the thieves withdraw their product.

THE ISLAND NATION OF SAN SERIFFE

On a foggy London morning in March 1977 Special Reports Manager Philip Davies of the British newspaper The Guardian, came up with an idea for April Fool’s Day. An 8-page travel special about an imaginary country: the archipelago of San Seriffe. Early on, Davies got several advertisers to play along. For example, Kodak ran a prize competition for the best photos of San Seriffe. Hundreds of readers shared their completely made-up memorable holiday experiences in letters to the Guardian.

SAN SERIFFE LIBERATION FRONT

The newspaper also received an angry letter from the “San Serriffe Liberation Front.” It criticised the pro-government angle of the supplement in no uncertain terms.

NO END TO THE HOAXES IN SIGHT

Similar hoaxes were run the following year, another two years later, and again in 1999. Over time, a huge body of secondary literature has developed around San Seriffe. You can purchase books about the booksellers guild of San Serriffe and the archipelago’s first fine silver coinage. To name just two examples.

I highly recommend these caves. 5 out of 5 in my book. Without any doubt the best imaginary caves in Southeast England.

Looking for more adventure? Feel welcome to eyeball our posts about caving at Goatchurch Cavern, at Wookey Hole, and in the Yorkshire Dales, about canyoning, rock-climbing, and exploring temple caves in Bhutan, a Russian coal mine near the North Pole, and ancient Roman gold mines in Portugal.